The Owner's Guide to Bane
by Mela Sunstrong
Summary: If you've ever been interested in adopting your very own Bane into your household, this comprehensive guide will answer all your questions!


**BANE: OWNER'S GUIDE AND MAINTAINENCE MANUAL**

**CONGRATULATIONS!**

You are now the proud owner of a Bane! Please check the enclosed order confirmation sheet to ensure that you've received this model directly through Dark Knight Industries. Our unique Compliance Chip (patent pending) keeps your unit relatively obedient to the purchaser. A cheap knock-off model may believe that you have hired him as a mercenary, and your receipt will hold no power over him. In order to obtain top performance from your terrorist, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your Bane to his full potential.

Your Bane should arrive fully assembled by airmail.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: Bane

Type: Villain

Manufacturers: Dark Knight Industries, Santa Prisca Division

Date of Manufacture: 2012

**ACCESSORIES**

Please check the following list to ensure that all parts were included.

**a**. Bane Unit

**b**. Venom Mask

**c**. 3-Piece Venom Supply Pack

**d**. Armored Chest Plate

**e**. Cargo Pants

**f**: Combat Boots

**g:** Fleece-trimmed Coat of Bad-Assery

You may also order these optional extra items:

**h**: Biking Leathers

**i**: Red Biking Helmet

**MAINTENANCE**

Upon arrival, your Bane unit will set up home in your basement, so you don't have to worry about his taking up the guest room, and as he is not afraid of the dark, you will not have to provide him with a night light. He will only eat in private, so you will have to deliver his meals to him. Always have a supply of anesthetic venom on hand for him, and check his mask often to be certain everything is in working order, otherwise your unit may be in some discomfort. If you find any valves out of place, you can re-insert them yourself, or, if your unit has suffered extensive damage, you can call in a Gotham Industries technician to fix it.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your Bane unit will accept commands in a variety of languages, and prefers them to be straightforward. All orders will be carried out with ruthless efficiency. Be aware, he may help himself to your resources in order to get the job done and advance his own agenda while doing so. Make sure your Compliance Chip is activated, otherwise he may see fit to dispose of you when he feels you are no longer needed.

Your Bane unit can be utilized in several capacities about the house and neighborhood, such as the following tasks:

**Personal Bodyguard**

If you engage Protective Mode in your unit, he will loyally shield you from all threats. He is particularly useful in riot situations, making him great for mosh pits at concerts, school hallways between classes, and Black Friday. Your Bane also makes a great home security device, and will gladly beat trespassers to a pulp, including burglars, unwanted solicitors, and annoying neighborhood kids. While he's not knocking people senseless for you, you can put his strength to good use around the house by having him move furniture, carry in firewood, and unscrew tight jar lids.

**Public Speaker**

Your Bane unit is an elegant and passionate speaker. He can read bed time stories to the kids, do business presentations, and make toasts and eulogies. He can also be made to do announcements at sporting events, but take care that no nuclear weapons or Russian scientists have been smuggled into your kid's soccer games. Your unit's attempts to begin a revolution might not go over too well with the visiting team.

**Excavationist**

Your Bane unit is well versed in tunneling, digging, mining, and all other manners of excavation. You can put these skills to good use by having him install wells, in-ground pools, and basements. In addition, your unit will not be adverse to going spelunking with you, as he is very comfortable in subterranean environments. He is, however, prone to becoming lodged in tight spaces, and we recommend having some petroleum jelly or baby oil on hand in case he gets stuck along the way.

**Chiropractor**

Although fellow practitioners frown on his extreme methods, your Bane unit takes great pleasure in rearranging spines. If you have a crick in your neck or if your back has been troubling you, you can submit yourself to his tender administrations. If you're nervous about ensuing death or paralysis, you can start him off as a masseuse, after which the idea of not being able to feel anything below the neck will seem greatly improved.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

Your Bane unit is compatible with the Barsad unit and any of our boxed mercenary units. He works especially well with the Talia unit, both adult and junior sizes. He may operate in conjunction with the Catwoman, Stryver, and Dagget units for short periods of time, but such relationships degrade quickly, which will lead to death, injury, or job dissatisfaction in one or all of your models. He is not compatible with any of the Assorted Gotham Law Enforcement models, Assorted Stock Broker models, or CIA Agent Models. If your Bane unit looks like he is bored, you may toss him a Pre-risen Batman unit to play with, but under no circumstances must you introduce him to a Post-risen Batman.

**PRECAUTIONS**

Do not expose your Bane unit to confinement of any sort, explosions, charging bull elephants, acid rain, eco-friendly power sources, or very large magnets. Do not submerge his head in water. Do not let him out in the open during electrical storms. For your own safety, do not dress all in black, practice vigilantism, lead a luxurious or corrupt lifestyle.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q**: What do I do if my unit catches a cold?

**A**: It is best to prevent your unit from becoming ill in the first place by making sure that he keeps his coat collar up when he's out in cold weather, and you should probably lend him a hat to keep his head warm in the winter. If your unit does develop a case of the sniffles, you should wear a raincoat and goggles in order to shield yourself from spray when he sneezes. Some people prefer to put a plastic bubble over his head instead, but this tends to make him irritable, usually a bad idea unless you are contemplating suicide.

**Q**: I've sometimes seen my Bane unit fiddling with bits of string. I don't know if it's only a habit to keep his hands occupied or if he's making something with it, but he won't tell me what?

**A**: Unbeknownst to many, Bane likes to do a bit of macrame in his spare time. If you wish, you can encourage him to sell his creations at your local flea market, which should help pay for his maintenance.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Problem**: My Bane unit keeps trying to get my pet cat to work for him. He's tried to teach her to dust for fingerprints, and gets frustrated when she shows no talent for it. He's also tried to blackmail her into luring masked heroes into traps, and gets angry with her when she keeps bringing back mice instead. They keep getting into fights over it- my Bane unit sustains heavy scratching, and my cat piddles on the carpet then hides under the bed for hours on end. Is there any way to make them get along without having to send one away? - Catfights

**Solution**: You're Bane unit is not programmed to be a cat person. If you are unwilling to remove either your unit or your cat from your home, we suggest keeping them in separate ends of the house. You should offer your Bane unit a box of band-aids for his wounds, and have him checked for catscratch fever. Also, if you own firearms, make certain they're kept securely locked away from your cat. Some people have tried mixing catnip oil into their Bane unit's venom solution, which does alleviate stress between the two parties, but also makes him prone to out-of-character purring when scratched beneath the chin.

**Problem**: I let my eight-year-old daughter, Lilly, take our Bane unit to class two weeks ago for show-and-tell. Upon arrival, however, the unit trapped all the teachers in the gymnasium and overthrew the school. He instructed the kids to take back their education, and they've been running amuck ever since. I'm sick with worry over my girl, especially since Bane won't let anybody leave, and has been using the Assorted Mercenary box set and Assorted Blackgate Prisoner box set as enforcement. Help! - Hostage Situation

**Solution**: You can try sending in an Officer Blake unit, who will try and extract the children by way of school bus. If there is any sort of bridge nearby, however, he will not be able to cross it, in which case you can unleash an Assorted Gotham Law Enforcement box set on school property to do battle with your Bane unit's forces. This approach will work best when combined with a Peter Foley unit to lead the charge. It might be necessary to send in a post-risen Batman in order to subdue your Bane. In the future, refrain from introducing your unit to social structures of any sort, as he is automatically programmed to plot their downfall.

**Problem**: I've always tried to be environmentally friendly, and I recently installed a windmill in my yard. Ever since then, my Bane unit has been demanding that I convert it into a weapon of mass destruction. I keep telling him how ridiculous this is, but he absolutely will not listen. Since I don't have any children or close relatives to hold hostage, he's been threatening my bonsai tree in order to force me to do his bidding. How can I stop this madness before he does something terrible to my shrubbery? - Powerless

**Solution**: You could enroll in the online course 'Converting Wind Energy into a Radioactive Ray of Terror', or hire an expert in wind warfare in order to comply with your unit's wishes. If you have reservations about what your Bane might do with such a weapon, you should have your windmill removed entirely, along with any other eco-friendly power sources you might have. By mothballing your sustainable energy project, he will be forced to look elsewhere for potential doomsday devices.

**Amusing Situations:**

**(1)** If you purchase a pre-risen Batman unit, your Bane unit will thrash him mercilessly and break his back, after which you may either take your Batman unit to a hospital or amuse yourself by watching him writhe in agony.

**(2)** If you purchase a Talia Junior unit, your Bane unit will exhibit protective behavior towards her. Conversely, if you purchase an Adult Talia unit, she will display tenderness towards your Bane unit, but she may also attempt to insert sharp pointy objects into anyone else nearby.

**(3) **If you purchase a motorcycle and outfit your Bane unit in our special order biking gear, he will seek out the nearest stock exchange and steal important data from it, and can be convinced to give you a ride on the way out.

**(4)** If you own any Mercenary unit and purchase a Commissioner Gordon unit, your Mercenary will present your Commissioner to Bane, after which your Commsisioner will make a daring escape. This situation will result in the death of your Mercenary unit and serious injury in your Commissioner, but since Bane goes shirtless during the interaction, most of our female customers don't seem to mind the collateral damage.

**(5)** If you purchase a Jonathon Crane unit, your Bane will facilitate the installment of a corrupt court, where you can have your in-laws or annoying co-workers sentenced to death or exile.

**Situations to AVOID**

**(1)** Do NOT expose your Bane unit to the Catwoman unit while using her in conjunction with heavy artillery!

**(2)** Do NOT introduce your Bane unit to a post-risen Batman unit, as this will cause serious malfunctions in your unit's mask!

**(3)** Do NOT travel anywhere by plane with your Bane unit!

**(4)** Do NOT betray any morally questionable organizations your unit may be affiliated with!

**(5) **Do NOT buy a twin unit, as this will cause confusion in your Bane unit, and the two may engage each other in a fisticuffs fight to the death which, while impressive to behold, may result in serious damage to your home.

Note: If any consumers come up with more Amusing Situations, please call 1-800-Gotham. Our secretary will be most interested to hear of any new scenarios. You must be 18 or older to order units.

Post note: Our warranty does not cover gunshot wounds, facial trauma, aircraft accidents, or suicidal plans for radical social revolution. Our warranty does cover traces of mercy, hesitation, physical frailty, and duck infestation.


End file.
